Still in the Globe.
Things are crazy and loud and messy in our snowglobe of a life. Just drive by our cul-de-sac and you will witness it for yourself. We are indeed a sight to see. As things have settled down with meetings and paperwork post adoption, we have begun to let extra curricular activities jump back into our schedules. While we hold our time dearly and guard our schedules closely … we still have alot going on. Heck there are seven of us … and the two leading the pack are extreme extroverts and gatherers!
One day, I was barking at everyone in our home … okay, it might have been a week. It was the classic “mom meltdown” of “I’ve dressed and fed everyone but myself!!!!” (metaphorically, of course)
As I retreated to my bedroom regretting my actions. I realized, what I have read and heard and even taught about for ever … I needed to take time for me. Ugh. That advice drives me crazy. I feel so guilty! It seems so greedy. So full of myself. So extravagant. And plus, I truly love to do and help and be with others. But guess what? They will not love to be with me if I am Captain Cranky Pants. Duh.
So, Still I will be. I have committed to make my heart still (and sometimes my schedule too). To read for leisure. To take long walks and not feel guilty. To spend time alone and soak in what the Lord needs to tell me. To say no.
Leisure is needed … for me and those around me. Leisure doesn’t mean gluttony and self centered, it means freedom from the demand of work or unhurried ease. Did you read that … freedom from the demand of work. I am the only one that puts the demand of laundry to be done and the house to be cleaned on myself. And it’s a joy stealer for all of us.
For me, “leisure” is a place to breathe, permission to let a few things go, time to step back and see what God is up to in my life, refueling so that I can indeed be more effective in what I am called to do.
1. I went on a hike with friends … in the middle of the week … with no purpose, (Crazy, I know). That time together became extremely purposeful. Our conversation was encouraging and absolutely turned all of our hearts to the Lord that loves us. I was so much more effective for my family that evening.
2. Laundry has literally been piling up on my couch all week. But I have lingered at meals longer. And (surprise) the kids have no problem getting it from the pile when they need it.
I imagine I won’t be a seamless transition, my old self will sneak in, I will get snippy. But I know what is good for me and those around me … so, I will be still. (and I will be okay with that). And He will be more glorified.
“Be still and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10
Stored up in My Big Toe
Sure, I have been known to be a tad bit controlling. I can concede to that thought about me. Through the toddler years, I felt myself let go of that unfortunate trait quite a bit. I mean, really … who can truly control their toddler children?? Marriage has taught me to let loose of the reins (aka let Robert pry them from my hands). Fostering had me throw my hands wide up in the air and let all my controlling natures blow away with the wind.
And then, our oldest daughter got her drivers permit.
And out of the depths of my big toe came an unbelievable desire of control that I can not begin to bridle.
There is the obvious need of control. The desire to control whether I live or not as my fifteen year old takes our lives into her hands behind the wheel. of a car. in traffic.
Then there is the not so obvious. The real root of the control. Me. Remember when it was just easier to clean that teach your kids to clean? And what I mean by that is, teach your kids to clean and then go back and do it again the right way. Control. My house. My way. My standards. My schedule.
It’s the same thing … except clorox wipes in the hands of a toddler can’t cause grey hairs, ulcers and resurrect the cuss words that you buried after fostering. I find myself just wanting to drive my car, at my speed, my way. And it isn’t pretty.
*i imagine notable moments that show me an eternal perspective will come from these driving days. i’m just not there yet … i am huddled in a tight ball in the passenger side of MY car.
Where your Thoughts Lead
As ironic as it is that I am teaching my daughter to drive, it is also ironic that I am on the “marketing team” at Camp. I am often stopping the meeting to ask what that acronym means or catch up on twitting, googling and a million other things. I am apart of the team because I love to connect people and life.
Recently, we had one camp mom post about camp on Facebook. We were able to see that her post led a friend to our website. While on the website, her friend looked around and ultimately registered her child for camp.
One post led to a move to a new place that led to a commitment to camp. Her one little post moved her friend into action and ultimately into commitment.
It got me thinking about the power of what I post. Are the things that I am saying, showing, talking about and displaying pointing those that see them to action that leads to good and healthy commitment? Or are they causing others to doubt, compare, covet, stumble? Is what I post something that brings joy and life? Do the things I think are important enough to post move friends to action and ultimately into commitment with Jesus?
It is one of the sweetest sounds to here Mark and Roman call us Mom and Dad. Roman began calling us by our new names about two weeks after adoption, Mark about two months. When their hearts released them to claim us as that their actions followed suit all. the. time.
I was surprised at how my heart saddened a bit when Mark finally claimed me as Mom. It was the final movement from his birth mom. That’s hard. I still communicate with her and hear her sadness and regret. I mourn for and with her. It’s something I never thought I would do. I never thought I would continue a relationship with her. Until it dawned on me, we must realize that their parents are part of our story. We must also realize that God has asked us to love them.
Roman gets it. He was copying a painting that hangs on our wall one day. It simply said, “love God, love others”. He came to me and said, I want to mail this to my dad but I need you to help me add something. Together we sounded out and wrote the words that Roman wanted his dad to know. “God loves you. Make good choices.”
The relationships might be messy, but the way to go about them is simple. Love like Christ loves us.
**God is continuing to shape Mark’s heart … his simple rules for life are a little different … “no pooping in pants. no peeing in pants. no showing your chi-chis”. If you remember, Mark’s beginning months … you will know that we are in AWE of how far the Lord’s love has brought this messy little relationship 🙂