We had finally figured out most of the terms in the fostering process. But things have changed and new terms are being used. We are still learning. May we always be “still learning”.
Termination. One would think that the word termination would be good as it makes our story move one chapter closer to the end. I thought that. Until I thought about what it means. It means that a mom is losing her right to see her children. Even though the decision is the right one, it is still hard to think about. It makes my heart break that this is a part of her story, a part of the boys’ story. Right now, it is hard. Heck, it will always be hard. That’s one of the consequences of our fallen world. But our God is bigger than our fallen world. He has already written the rest of this story and as His children, it does not end with termination. And I am grateful.
*side note: While I almost forgot my name while testifying at the termination trial, I didn’t ugly cry in front of the judge. Small victories for this gal.
Forever Home. Our caseworker and therapist (both angels on loan from above) came to the house after the trial to tell the boys about the next steps. Our oldest could tell something was up as they started talking, so he snuggled close on my lap. His brother played on the floor as the words were said, “this will be your home forever.” One cheered. The other sunk into my shoulder and cried. And cried. And cried. And so did I. As Tara began processing with the younger, his brother continued mourning on his bed. When I went into check on him, he ran to me. For many, many minutes it was silence. Until he looked up and said, “when do I get to change my name?” Be still my heart. And my heart was still, because even in the whirlwind of emotions felt in that hour, God stills our hearts. He went on to tell our therapist that he was glad to be here, that it was better, that he could play soccer and be safe and be a Boyd. What an honor we have to introduce these boys to an even better Home … where we play all day, our hearts and bodies will be safe and our name will be changed to one that will last for eternity. Forever home.
Final Visit. I understand it. Closure. I would want it. Saying goodbye is important. Unless you are committed to guarding hearts. And guarding hearts has become a BIG part of what we find ourselves doing. Guarding the boys hearts from anymore unnecessary hurt. Guarding the older three from seeing just was is out there in the world, our sinful world. And guarding my heart … pffft.
Enter lesson not learned. I (should have) realized early on: God guards our heart…not me. So, love big and trust bigger. But, I still want to keep my heart from hurting anymore. And when you see others hurt, you hurt. So driving the boys to their final visit, knowing that it will be full of hugs and hurts, energy and emotion, dreaming and doubts is hard. Real hard. You want all of them to be together one last time, you just don’t want to have to see them leave each other. You want to begin this new life, but not under these circumstances. Because it will be hard. But hard and good go hand in hand, right? I think I have said that before. I suppose I will revisit that little piece I wrote.
Adoption. It isn’t a new term. But it sure feels new to us. It’s becoming real and we couldn’t become any more excited. We still hold our breath a bit … because we’ve been holding it a while … just not as much anymore. Ahhhh. There are moments of “I’ll miss my mom”. And we let those be felt in their fullest. Then there are the questions that come, “When do we get to change our names?” or “I’m thinking about calling you mom, whatchathink?”. There are some sweet and tender moments as we officially expand our family.
It amazes us when we do a roll call of friends in our little community that are adopted … and it far outlasts the car ride home. It is normal in our world. And I love that. Adopted or not. The stories of each child are so very very important … and so amazing to watch unfold.
*side funny: the question “when do we get to change our name?” comes often. We discovered younger brother didn’t really understand what that meant when he declared, “I want to change my name to Jack.”